Conflicts of Interest

by the butler

The problem with owning seven hundred different fantasy teams is, on any given week you are guaranteed to come across a conflict of interest. Or two. Or a million.

This past weekend presented me with an entangled web of such conflict, and I'm not sure how I pulled off W's in all seven hundred leagues. Okay, so I was three for three. But it just seemed so impossible to win all three with so many COI's! (from here on I think COI should be standard fantasy football vernacular, just like IDP and PPR. It makes us sound smart to use all those acronyms that normal people don't understand)

Peyton for me in one league, against me in the other two. Roy Williams for me in ESPN, against me in Yahoo. Gates for me in two, against me in the other. Portis for me in one, against me in one. Baltimore D. for and against me. In fact, the very man you know as Sondog, my blog partner for God's Sake, was my opponent in the Yahoo matchup this week. Sondog is also the commish in our ESPN league. So our COI's were actually in effect on an exponential level. I've got Larry Fitz in one and he's got him in the other. He's got Carr in his ESPN, I've got Carr against him in Yahoo. He also played against L. Jordan in ESPN, and had him against me in Yahoo. (insert mental pic of me pretending to blow my own head off with my finger-gun)

To recap, Brett Favre was in There's Something About Mary (1998) with the smokin' hot Cameron Diaz, who was in A Life Less Ordinary (1997) with Maury Chakin, who was in Where the Truth Lies (2005) with Kevin Bacon, who was in the ageless classic Wild Things (1998) with Antoni Corone, who was in Any Given Sunday (1999) with Terrell Owens, who didn't try to kill himself.

...pause for migraine treatment

By kickoff Sunday night, I had become a dizzy mess. I was patting myself on the back for playing my new man-crush Maroney in ESPN, while at the same time slamming my head against a concrete wall for benching him in Yahoo against the Sondog (to further contribute to your migraine, I benched Maroney because Sondog and I made a trade the week before - T. Jones to me and Roy Williams to him, so I had to play T. Jones or I would be a wuss). I had already counted this one as a loss in my world which would bring my Chitterlings to a career worst start of 1-3.

Then Moooosh scores.

Okay, well, I'm still too far behind to hope for a comeback.

T. Jones scoots in for his first of the season. Hmmmm. Maybe, just maybe...

Son calls me - "Dude, you just might have a chance here..."

When Jones rolls in for his second, I knew the fantasy gods were taking care of this one.

Quite possibly my most important moral victory in my fake football carreer. It's amazing how much a win like that can alter your mood. I strutted into work on Monday with my head held high, triumphant over seemingly impossible COI's. I felt like Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day, after they smoke the mother alien ship and smoke cigars as they pimp their way across the desert into the open arms of their hot wives. Except without the hot wives part.

Moral of the story: Having multiple fantasy teams is akin to having multiple children with your spouse. With each one new blessings come, as well as new curses. Issues arise with multiple teams/children that would never ever happen if you just kept it at one. The COI's add up faster than you can keep up. However, the potential for joy/winning is greatly multiplied with the dawn of each new child/team.

I think I'll end it with that. If you need me I'll be out trying to get a life...